Thursday, February 4, 2010

Hi, I'm Nikhil, and I'm NOT an Alcoholic.

It was in the summer of 2004 when I had my first experience of, what they call, a 'culture shock'.

My family and I went on a Europe tour that summer. My most distinct memory of that tour is walking into a regular grocery shop in London and seeing a bunch of pornos, right besides the newspapers! Since my parents were along with me, I had no idea how to conceal my excitement, and at the same time, casually browse through the magazines - which, by the way, had full on x-rated stuff happening on the cover, with absolutely NO attempts to hide any of the action.

And of course, I also remember how I entered my hotel room, which I shared only with my younger brother (who slept most of the time), switched on the television and saw.. MORE porn! For free! Entire channels devoted to it! And when I went outside for a walk, I realised how 'baniyans' were like the national dress for the chicks in London. Yes, I admit, I was in Disneyland, and I totally fell heads over heels in love with London.

A month later, I arrived in National Institute of Technology, Kurukshetra, for a four-year-long rape called engineering. My hostel was filled with all kinds, breeds and species of animals - and I'm not talking about the dogs, lizards, frogs and pigeons, who considered it home sweet home. Misery loves company, and on realising that just to shit, we'd have to travel like 20 metres from our rooms, by the end of the very first day in the hostel, all of us had gathered to pay our condolences and last respects - to each other.

That's when I got my second - and much bigger - culture shock. One NRI kid, just like me, suggested that we  wallow, not in self pity, but in bottles of 'daaru'. To say that I was taken aback is like saying I enjoy getting kicked in the nuts (I don't, just for the record). To be entirely honest, I was !@#$!@$ fucking shocked out of my bloody skull! It was like someone had asked me to donate my liver! .. While I was still alive! Or something much, much worse and sinister. Like.. like.. someone had asked me to share my food!! Only it wasn't food, it was my liver. And only it wasn't share, it was donate.

I was so scandalised, I thanked the group for the enjoyable evening I had spent with them discussing our very first respective sexual experiences (and umm.. the guy with the most exciting sex life was the one who got to shake hands with girls regularly) and went back to my room and hid under my bed. It took me some time to make peace with the fact that I had come to a place where people were much more grown up than I was (which is a polite way of saying that I thought they were cunts) and that they drank alcohol.

For the first semester, I tried to convert the religion of people from daaru to plain awesomeness. I tried Chanakyaneeti's saam, daam, dand and bhed to make sure, at least the people I was friends with, stayed off it - or well, didn't drink in my room. I broke bottles of whiskey that came from people's fathers' hard earned money, I threatened my room mate that I'd call the warden if he so much as smelt like he had been within a mile of a daaru battle, and I preached to everyone how they were betraying their parents' trust by drinking.

No, this story doesn't end with, 'And then.. I had my first sip'. From being so contrived as to judging people and dividing them in categories of evil and good, depending on whether they drink or not, to giving them company with Pepsi (bottoms up) while they drink like there's no tomorrow, I still haven't had a sip of alcohol. Or beer. Or mocktails. Or cocktails. Or fruit beer (just because it has the word beer in it). Or Cheeku shake. Okay, the last one's simply because I don't like the sound of it :p

And the irony here is, that people now get a culture shock when they meet me! 'Which planet are you from dude?' 'Fuck, are you serious? You've never even tasted it?' 'Chal, hatt, liar!' 'Mere liye vodka, aur Nikhil ke liye doodh' 'Do you want your Pepsi neat or should I order some water with it?' And of course, the most common of all, 'Is it a religious thing?'

No, it isn't a religious thing. I don't wear a sacred thread and haven't sworn any oath that I'll not drink alcohol until God helps me lose 30 kgs. Nor have my parents so far confessed to being from Pandora. And no, I don't want doodh, I want my Pepsi. Neat, and on the rocks.

But obviously, the next question that everyone asks me is, 'Then how come?' Welll... it's because... *suspense music* .....

To Be Continued


  1. haha i am SO glad you have a blog again! i remember being hooked to every word you wrote.
    and guess what..things haven't changed!

    waiting for the suspense. update SOON.

  2. I'm hooked
    when is the second part of the story coming?

  3. I'm reserving my judgment (yes, the same one you showered your hostel-mates with) until I read the second half. *Anxious frown.*

  4. Well you know we have so much in common as we discussed that day....nitians , we dont drink and all...:P....eagerly awaiting the next part

  5. way to "suspensify" .... keep writing :)

  6. Ha! Looking forward to part 2.

  7. Bloooooooooooooody!
    1st post and SO many comments already :P *stretched eyes*
    but but
    I read it..and prepared..I am going to say something earth shattering..well..almost.. it is...
    this was so awesome! you are a kickass writer man really!

    chal now treat me again ^_^

  8. Good for your first post - as a journo I hope you deal with more stuff regarding your life - will help blokes like me understand your profession even more...

    And w.r.t. daaru, I won't urge you to become an alcoholic, but I started drinking for a reason - it is necessary for socialization in the upper circles (When I will get to reach that circle - is a huge ???) and also among friends in general. But yes, I do admire you being a teetotaler and am proud of that fact. I have been sober for the last 2 weeks and it has been killing me, but I am resisting the temptation - I wish I had guts like you do.

  9. The thing that hits me the most is : HOW can an engg be SO fucking good at writing??? :P
    i mean aint stereotyping and all...just you know :D

    I LIKE IT!!!!!

    the guy with the most exciting sex life was the one who got to shake hands with girls regularly hahahahahahhahahhaahha so exciting it sounds!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. "Mere liye vodka aur Nikhil ke liye doodh"... "suspense music"...hahahahahahaha! Awesome sense of humour Nikhil!

    Waah waah! You're out to change the stereotypes associated with engineers, that they suck at writing. Although my brother is a constant reminder that they do. :| But this post is so awesome! :D

    Shucks, now why did I start drinking last month?! :\ Why didn't I meet you earlier?! :P LMAO.

  11. I m happy that u r not an alcoholic...u r already so flammable!a small tickle & u BURST into laughter! secondly, first half of ur blog is more abt porn..wat is it in porn that u mention it in ur writeups time & again!! Overall a very nice writeup..cheers!!

  12. interesting....n u dont hafta drink to socialize....n btw, its SAAM, daam, dand, bhed....not Kaam u 'gentleman':P

  13. you not a alcoholic?...or you trying to be a good boy on your blog??

  14. wowee...i wouldn't have the strength to keep my friends away from drinking for soo long...i'd give up!!! your writing is fantastic...put up part 2 soon!!

  15. Nikhil!!! I'm in shock!

    not about the drinking but the fact that U'R AN ENGINEER!?!!??!?

  16. i like the "4year rape" phrase ;)

  17. Hmm, statutory warning: this might be a post in its own right.
    Remember how I told you, I have never read anything of yours, post the first article in YT all those years ago; when the TVs were still black and white and where we still killed the old way.
    I will try to be less honest and more story like; For the benefit of your readers. I remember back when you were on your Europe tour. Your first reaction when you saw the cabaret was, “Dude there were naked woman dancing in front of me. MY MOM WAS NEXT TO ME. I had no idea what to do”. Yes that, easily, was your biggest culture shock.
    Your outlook changed towards a load of things and for the longest time we decided to move to the Europe. After that, the second culture shock that you had was not so much of a shock as compared to ignorance in the self righteous morals that we devised. I say we, because at that point of time I shared them. It was soon however I realised, most things and people tend be happier if left alone to make their own mistakes. It wasn’t as if smoking and drinking (I add smoking here for the simple reason we used to club it together) were non-existent in school. It was more the fact that you were oblivious to all of it. Your world was a slightly smaller one, where your friends never did drink (It’s an ideal picture isn’t it?).
    I also remember the beginning of your college when you called to tell me about how all the NRIs drink and smoke and how we were such an unspoiled lot. Yes it’s true we didn’t do those things then. I do drink now, hypocrite if you’d like to call me that. It’s the simplicity behind the concept that’s intriguing. The question why? Why do most drink? Some I think for the “Cool” factor associated with it, the others for the high. Few I know who drink because the like it. For fun and nothing else. Not to get high, not because it’s expected, but because, for the simple reason they find it fun. I do not judge people who drink anymore. I don’t care much about their intentions either, I only do hope they do. The point I’m trying to make is somewhere I settled morally for the fact that, ‘It is ok to drink as long as you can turn around and walk away without missing anything’. If only, that was true with everyone.
    Coming back to the first line of this painfully long comment, your style has changed tremendously; you still though distort facts to suit readers (like you did all those years back). I’ll agree to the fact that it’s a more interesting read that it used to be.

  18. Well, Manav spotted it before me...

    Its Saam, Daam, Dand, Bhed.

    Kaam = sex (in pure hindi. I was always a purist as you already know). I was almost driven to thinking that you offered sex to get people to give up drinking. How noble of you!

    By the way, post was damn funny as always... Keep tickling our ribs.

  19. fuck this is prob the best article u have ever written.




  21. awesomeeeeeeeee dude!!!!

    btw we are in the same chappu :P

    I - 'the Energy freak(big deal you drunkards)' am surrounded by obsessive compulsive vodka, rum and beer lovers! And till date it does not make a difference to my existence!

  22. Too much abt porn, though towards the end, it gets to be a better read. Has a spark of what u had in your old blog, in a more mature manner.
    Interesting what Tapas had to say. Must say he stole my opinion abt drinkers and drinking. Everyone who does drink, they have their reasons, and while not always pretty, it is THEIR choice. Free will, believing that we have it, is what makes us human.

  23. Really? Are you sure you are not from Pandora? No one in my family drinks but I sure didn't hide under my bed when my seniors offered me alcohol. Anyways, it's an awesome read. Must jump onto the next one!

  24. Kaun Kambhakt bardasht karne ke liye peeta hai!!

  25. A1- maybe ur bro shudnt spill the beans. pulkit's conclusion of barter was brilliant. tapas has reasoned it to himself pretty well. but der's an inherent anomaly in the statment- if u can walk away from it drinking is ok. coz if u can walk away u wudnt drink.!!!!!! so its convenience to shut ur mind up if u think this(pardon grammar). personally i think drinking/ sex/ sokin/ blah blah is sign of dependency n weakness.
    thnk god all hostelites dnt ve sexcapades to boast of.

  26. Nikhil This is Kshitij and i just wanted to use to this forum to tell you that i will always love you .i will never forget that one night...that night meant so much to me you were such a gentle yet firm lover,I dont care if you love me or not but you made me see stars that night( and also gave me a horrible back ache lolzzzz)
    Nikhil once more for old times sake?

    bheegi bheegi raaton mein tum aaon na

    Aisi bassaaton mein aaon na